I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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