I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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