Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
