what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
