why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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