Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
