I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
