I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
