my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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