He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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