I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
