I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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