4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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