wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
