this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
