what is it with giant penises always finding me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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