I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
