Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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