dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
