Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
