ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
