I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
