Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
