don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
