OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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