i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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