47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
