Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
