this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
