Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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