What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
barbara walters just said penis...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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