Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
