I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
