I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
