You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
