Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
