By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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