i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
