Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
