Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
