Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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