There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
