we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
