i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
