Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
