rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
