Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
