Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
