Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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