i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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