I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
