thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
