My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
