remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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